Crying my fucking eyes out as I type this. I’m not one to air dirty laundry online or anywhere but right now, I don’t care, I just need to get rid of this pain.

I hate that I spent a year with you, opening up to you, and loving you. I hate that I told myself I would never let myself get hurt after my ex. I knew what would eventually happen, what with our arguing and your shutting me out repeatedly, then coming back to me, apologizing, and ask me to take you back…and I did, because every single day, every single damn day, my feelings got stronger and stronger, and I got the same damn butterflies in my stomach when you’d call, and I would lay in bed for hours talking to you. You were different, short tempered, and I gave you the benefit of the doubt thinking that you shut me out to reflect and realize. That was my fault. But one whole year of this. For one whole year, every damn night, you would call me, no matter how tired you were…you would call me, you would fall asleep on the phone with me or have me continue to whisper because you said you liked my voice. Hell, you would call me at 4 am, 5 am just to hear that and it didn’t matter that I had class in 4, 3, 2, or 1 hour, I would always pick up, I would always put you first and I always did. I never would if it were anyone else. I was, and am, a bad person. You made me want to change. You showed me a different side to religion, never forced it on me either, and you showed me a way of healthy living, that I didn’t have a reason to be so insecure, and to never settle for less. But you set the bar so damn high, along with all my walls that fell when I met you. I hate that now I’m more self conscious than I have ever been. I hate that I trusted you to not do the same to me that so many people did, I begged you not to do this and not to leave me, and you did, but yet you had the audacity to tell me you still loved me? If you loved me, how could you hurt me like that? I don’t understand your logic…and then you told me to move on after telling me your feelings haven’t changed? So what happened? Where did I go wrong, what did I do to you? I’ve been crying for the past month, and it physically hurts to even think about you being with someone else. Selfish, yes, but you were supposed to be mine…you said so. In that year, I never rushed you about anything…I never asked for anything but a little of your time, and even though you didn’t give me that, I was still loyal and I never once nagged you about anything…after 11 months in to the relationship, in March, you said I love you. Before that, I didn’t plan the future, marriage, anything…until you said you loved me, and could see yourself marrying me, and I finally started to believe. When I started to finally love you, after you convinced me you’d be good, great, for me, you just left me. Left like that, the next month…You ignored me for weeks, saying you were just busy. You said you wouldn’t let me down and then you just left. You left me without even telling me anything. I hate that I always am the one getting hurt, because people don’t know the meaning of love and loving someone else. After one month of ignoring me, you come back to give me closure? CLOSURE? I hate that word, I hate it. I don’t need it. Let me live in ignorance, it’s less painful. I could have made myself hate you, but you came to tell me you chose your work and family and your religion over me…I get that, I respect that, I understand….but it hurts. It hurts so bad right now. I hate that I do nothing but miss you and cry and hope that you miss me too, or would come back, and I know that if you did, I would take you back and I hate it.. You were the only thing going right in my life and you took that away from me too. I will forever hate you for that, only because I loved you so much.